I used to not believe so heavily into Karma until the last three years of my life. All the things I said I would never do and judged others for doing happened to me. Everything immoral that I vowed to not do, suddenly found myself knee deep in. I feel pained by it all now, like a small prison sort of encapsulates that part of me that controls my emotions. I’ve asked for so much forgiveness and it seems there are so many more. I guess there never is a right time to admit one was wrong. Reuben Studdard had the right idea when he said he was “Sorry for 2004”. My song title would be a little longer. “I’m sorry for 1999-2004”. If I could gather all the people that I’ve hurt in room and just say I’m sorry, I really would. I thank those that have forgiven me, but I’m still working on forgiving myself. That’s the toughest part. Some things just seem impossible to let go. Clearly, by holding on to them though I’m wearing myself down emotionally. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you rings into my head constantly these days. Sometimes I vent and then realize maybe I shouldn’t have done that in that way. I forget to put myself in the other person’s shoes and when I finally decide to, it’s too late. I’ve usually already done the damage. My message here is this…treat others the way you wish to be treated and you won’t have to worry about Karma coming back and taking a big bite out of your behind making you sit down while you heal reflecting on how you could have prevented your grief just by doing what’s right in the beginning.
Nikki J.
Dating hasn’t been easy as of late. I don’t really trust people after my son’s father. I expect lies. I expect cheaters. I expect those that are only after one thing. A refreshing thing happened though. I met someone who is just “chillin” for lack of better word. Going out with someone who has no underlying intentions, just out to have good time and have manners while doing so is just rejuvenating. A country-girl like me hanging out with a dude from the city was very entertaining to say the least. An excerpt from my evening…Most people have a celebrity that their friends swear they look like and hanging out with some who looks like Nelly and being some one told to look like Regina King is interesting. Tonight was the first time in a long while I hung out with another adult that has a vivid imagination similar to my own. Though it was just for moment Nelly and Regina were on their way to movies. Upon arriving, they agreed they would see Pirates of the Caribbean, which was an excellent choice. Though the movie neared 3 hours long it was all worth while to see Jack, Will and Elizabeth out at sea again. Last year for my birthday my son and I watched “Dead Man’s Chest” well more so me as little David tuckered out before the previews ended. Anyway, it’s been quite sometime when I felt the chivalry of man and it’s good to know that it’s still out there. On the way home we listened to a little of Mary J. Blige’s greatest hits. It was great evening and well needed break from the everyday goings on.
Life has a way of being spontaneous. I wish there were more positively spontaneous people in the world. Sometimes it’s does a person good to just do something fun and exciting on whim! I have decided to be different this week and go out on a Thursday night. I’m curious to see what a Thursday night brings in the State of Hawaii on the Island of Oahu. I’m sure it will be memorable no matter the outcome. I just hope I don’t have to use my wooden- soled shoes as weapon. My son was little confused by my spontaneous plans, but shortly after getting settled at the babysitter’s he realized he could do some things he wouldn’t normally get to do like see real cats and dogs. I’m not trying to be that worrisome parent but I can’t help it, he’s my only son. He truly is the greatest blessing aside my own life.
So Monday was the season Finale of 24. I wasn’t impressed but will more than likely watch the next season faithfully. Tonight, Lost, showed it’s two hour season finale and again, not impressed. Aren’t season finales supposed to lead into the next season? Perhaps these shows are nearing their ends. Who knows. Well I will definitely let Tivo handle future season enders and go ahead and go to bed. They ways my favorites shows are ending is certainly not worth loosing rest over. These two definitely could have waited to be seen on Saturday along with the rest of my Tivoed shows.
As described by me…First off I’d like to say I am not a doctor but, I have found writing to be my own best medicine. For once I write this piece I will be able to go back to bed and then to sleep rather than lie there in darkness staring at the ceiling fan as it rotates until it’s time to get ready for work.
Emotional pain is pain that hurts by far worse than any physical pain. One can go buy some sort of medicine to help ease the physical pain to a copable degree. I’ve found that the only cure for my emotional pain is much prayer and time. Some spans of time are much less than others. I think my first real bout with emotional pain came with the news that my Mother had completely lost her vision due to complications with diabetes. Then around this same time my sister and I were about to enter into our worst spat yet which lead to further emotional scarring. Sometime before or after the aforementioned I recollected something from my memory that was surely repressed. A wound was now present. This haunted me for a good year before I was able to forgive this person for what they had done to me and get on with living my life. Soon after I walked away from the best man I ever met in my entire life, yes all 25 years of it. Talk about an emotionally painfully experience. My loss but there is a very lucky lady out there who now has the honor of being his wife. Between realizing that this was the best man I may ever know and finding out I was pregnant by a man who wanted nothing emotional to do with me was emotional pain that I feared would cripple me for life. By the grace of God I’m still here. I’m still healing. I’m still going through getting back on my feet when all of a sudden emotional chaos breaks loose in my life. What’s crazy is I’m happy just overly emotional at random moments. Sort of like now. It’s midnight local time and I’m up writing a blog entry allowing the world to see well at least read about my “crazy” moments.
I can only describe it as being like climbing a rope, going through things, overcoming things reaching goals and then you fall off the rope and catch it just before the end is out of reach and you start climbing again but you go through not necessarily each and every event but each and every emotion all over again. It’s like Groundhog Day to the 10th power. I guess with all these late nights I seem to having, now would be as good a time as any to write a “ based on a true story” novel about my life. If it doesn’t sell, at least I will have written all that is on my mind and it will be out there so perhaps sleep will come more easily on a regular basis, LOL.
May God Bless you all and thanks for reading my rantings as well as my poetry.
Nikki J.
Back to reality….
Okay people, I’m back! I was a little misguided last week. Sometimes staying to yourself isn’t the best medicine. I got out this weekend. Went to the zoo, talked on the phone, hung with my son and some people my age . I had a long conversation with someone I’ve never met and that was cool. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy. Anyway, want to share some pics from zoo. Click on the Photos tab to view pics.
God Bless
Nikki
Have you ever asked yourself a question and though the answer remains the same you try to force yourself not to believe it? I guess sometimes even though we know something to be true we try to trick ourselves into believeing somethig totally different just so we can deal with the reality of it. I have no idea really; I am no physchologist, but I often ask myself this one question and I always come up with the same answer . It keeps me awake at night. It makes me cry uncontrollably at times. It even makes me flee. Yes I actually will try to get as far away from it physically and mentally as I possibly can. I’m on an island now and really thought that I would be at complete peace about the matter, but that one questions answer is still the same no matter if I’m in Korea, Georgia, Hawaii, Virginia, Alabama, or anywhere in between. I asked only one other person about this and he told me that it is my hearts desire. I was taken aback by this because in theory it is my hearts desire, but for some reason it didn’t come to pass and I guess I am haunted by that now. Though I don’t get much sleep, I always wake feeling well rested. However, I know that when I get ready to go to bed I will ponder yet again my hearts desire and refuse it to be true.
There are so many things that have happened in my life that I would love to forget, but because I have a great memory it’s all in there swimming around. Some things hurt, some things make me smile and cry at the same time. I think the ones that affect me the most are thoughts of being in love and being loved. I keep a lot of stuff which is good and bad. Great when I need to go and look back at something to find a link or a reference to something. But My Lord, when I stop and read a line or look at a picture there is this uncontrollable flood of emotion filled with whys and what ifs. It normally takes me writing like this to clear my head and go on with life . However for those moments when my emotions are rampant, I equal it to being in a time machine and watching myself live in that moment wheter it be happy or sad and it’s most revealing about where I’ve been, who I’ve become, and where I’m going. Sometimes I feel like if when I travel back in this mental time machince If I could just have a few whys answered or choose a different word when answering a question I will feel a little better about my life and my actions. I keep my sanity however, by believing that things happen because they are written that way and who am I to question that. It is this belief that sends me back to the present and I am meek and thankful for all that has happened and I am able to forgive those that I have yet to forgive and ask for forgiveness for those that I may have hurt. I sometimes wish I couldn’t remember every word or action about certain events, but I guess I’m supposed to so it will never happen again. If I ever start to hear something that sounds all too familiar I can say “Whoa, this isn’t right, I’ve already been through this.” In time I’m sure it will all come full circle and that’s when absolute peace will be about me and I feel my final chapter will be written, I pray it’s a very long chapter.
Ladies, if you know a good man please for the sake of women who have hopes of marrying one someday, tell him that he is appreciated. These men are either getting snatched up while you try to make up your mind if he is who you really want to be with or they are turning into complete jerks because some callous woman didn’t know how to break up before she decided to be with another man. Or she just used him for his loving and kind demeanor for her own personal gain. Either way it leaves us single ladies with slim pickings. Some of us pray daily that the good Lord will send a good man our way. Little do we realize either he already did and we messed it up or something in our lives need to be fixed before he will come along. In some cases we are settling to be with jerks just to fill the void. I can whole heartedly say that when you start fixing what’s broke in your life there is no void that can be filled with a sorry excuse for a man. If you have a girlfriend that thinks it’s cute to cheat on her husband or boyfriend, do me a favor and slap her. If she cheats on her boyfriend then when he finds out and he will find out he may be able to forgive her but he won’t forget that he’s been hurt by a women and I think after so many hurts, good men start feeling like since women keep longing to be with pricks , maybe he needs to become one. If your girlfriend is cheating on her husband she needs a slap with the back of your hand. Not only does this slap women in face who want nothing more than to remain faithful to their husband but, he has friends and if can put doubt in someone else’s marriage because he’s hurt then you have just created a whole community of untrusting men because of one scandolous women. Now this man has all his friends giving their spouses the fifth degree and they may or may not be doing anything wrong. Then as women tend to do, she’s going to start thinking that maybe he’s stepping out because he keeps accusing her of doing it and she knows she’s not.
In conclusion, if you know a good man, please tell him that you appreciate him and no matter what scandolous woman comes into his life and tries to ruin it for the good girls, he’ll know that he’s a good man and he won’t start thinking he’s doing something wrong and try to change into a jerk. He will be able to say she wasn’t for me and there’s still a good woman out there for me. If you know a scandolous woman, don’t stand too close because one day she will spontaneously combust.
God Bless,
Nikki